Red Moon
by Lanie McCoy
Summary: Brothers. Sisters. Love. Life. Death. The delicate balance between the five is omnipresent and irrefutable. Telling her is the hardest thing... DEATHFIC.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Yuu Yuu Hakusho. And honestly, I don't really wish I did, because I would undoubtedly find some way to F' it up.**

**Note: I don't know if Shigure is actually dead, but for the purposes of this fic, he is. The fic, by the way, takes place after the Makai hen.**

**WARNING: _DEATHFIC._ I will _not_ tolerate people flaming me for killing off this character.**

**Okay, the reasons behind this fic… I was cycling through the Yuu Yuu fics that deal with Hiei telling Yukina he's her brother, and I noticed a…for lack of a better term, a theme. Yukina was always ecstatic and joyous and happy and I'm repeating myself. Anyway, she always gives him a hug and gets all excited. Mainly because everyone thinks of her as a nice, sweet, innocent, naïve young girl whose mission is to find her brother, so finding him will make her…ecstatic. I was thinking, what if Yukina isn't as naïve and sweet as we all make her out to be? What if she has a darker side we never see, because nothing ever happens to bring it out? She has to get angry sometimes, right? So I decided to write my own version of Hiei telling Yukina he's her brother.**

**That said…**

_Red Moon_

Flickering through the trees, he made his way to the kitsune's house. The window would be open—the window was always open. Refuge would be with the kitsune.

A red moon was rising slowly tonight. He couldn't help wondering if it was an omen. He didn't really believe in omens, but it was possible, theoretically. After all, Reikai existed.

The branches bent slightly under his weight, and he forced himself to run faster to lighten their load. He thought he even cleared one tree entirely, he was running so fast. Leaves occasionally caught in his hair, blown away as he continued to run.

He nearly overshot the kitsune's house completely, but of course, he would never be so careless. Stopping short in the tree outside the proper window, he held the trunk for support and rapped on the pane before opening it and sliding into the room. Kurama looked up as he entered, closing the book he was reading and smiling.

"And what brings about this pleasant surprise?"

"Hn."

Kurama stood, laying his work aside. "Come on, Hiei, there has to be a reason you're here. Has Mukuro given you some time off?"

"Of course, kitsune, a month off while she does paperwork and the like. I wouldn't just leave. I'd be slaughtered."

Kurama laughed. "So why come here? Makai isn't that boring, is it?"

A shake of the head. Hiei steeled his resolve and looked Kurama in the eye. "I'm going to tell her." 

His only answer was a perplexed look. Of course Kurama wouldn't immediately come to the correct conclusion. It didn't make any sense, and Kurama was nothing if not logical. "I'm going to tell Yukina."

_Oh._

"Hiei…that's wonderful, but I can't help wondering…why now?"

"I don't know, kitsune. I really don't. I suppose it's that I have enough lies in my life now, and here I have the chance to make one of them go away. I don't need this one to stay, and I won't let it any longer." He shrugged. "Or maybe it's something else."

Kurama smiled that kind, understanding smile of his, his eyes glittering brilliant emerald. Hiei looked at him passively. "When are you going to tell her?"

"I'm going just after I leave here." Hiei shifted slightly on the sill where he sat, looking out the window calmly. "I wanted to tell you first. I wanted someone to know."

Kurama sighed softly. Hiei needed support, and he had come to him. This was a delicate situation, to be sure; Hiei would be worried about rejection for all his misdeeds, though he knew Yukina was a sweet and wonderfully forgiving girl who only wanted to meet her brother. She didn't want some sort of holy saint. She wanted a brother, and that was what Hiei would be to her.

"Do you need some help with anything, Hiei?"

"No. I'll be fine." Hiei stood on the sill, his hand pressed to the glass as he prepared to leave.

"Arigatou."

Then he was gone.

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"YUKINA!"

"Hai! Hai, one moment!"

The pretty little Koorime rushed out the door, tying her hair back with the red crystal as she jogged down the temple's steps. "Oh! Hiei-san, how nice of you to come! How are you doing?"

"I'm doing well, Yukina." He paused for a moment. "And you?"

She smiled cheerfully and bowed. "Oh, I'm doing quite well, Hiei-san. The temple is so nice this time of year, and Kurama sometimes comes to help me with gardening. And Genkai is just so wonderful. It's so much fun!"

"Great…"

"Hiei-san," she asked, peering at him curiously. "Is there something you wanted to tell me? Or is this just a nice visit?"

"I have something to tell you," he said, carefully looking away from her. He took a breath and locked eyes with her, being sure not to blink.

The pause lengthened, and Yukina's expression became slightly concerned. "Yes? What is it? Is something the matter?"

"Yukina…I haven't been searching for your brother."

Yukina started suddenly, taking a slight step back. "Hiei-san… Since when? How long have you not been searching?"

He allowed himself a blink before speaking again. "Since always. Yukina, I've never been looking for him."

She blinked back tears, rubbing them out of her eyes. "Hiei-san, why?"

"I can't go on lying to you anymore. I haven't been searching because…Yukina, he is me. I'm your brother."

She gaped at him, and somehow, it was still elegant. Tears returned unbidden, and this time she didn't wipe them away. A hiruseiki stone fell to the ground, followed by another.

"Hiei-san…I… I don't know what to say…"

He had known it all along. She was disappointed in him, horrified that her brother had such a terrible past. He wasn't worthy of her. He had tainted her. She was impure, now, and it was all his fault.

"I only wanted you to know," he said quietly, turning to leave the temple.

"Hiei-san," she said, stopping him in his tracks. He still didn't turn to face her. The soundless "What?" hung in the air between them.

"Why? Why didn't you ever tell me? You knew I was searching for him for years, and yet you never told me? Why? Why did you pretend to search for him? Why didn't you just tell me?"

He closed his eyes tightly. In a way, this was worse than her hating him for all the youkai he had killed in cold blood. She was disappointed at his actions since meeting her. She was disappointed in the way he treated her. She didn't hate him, but she was disappointed, and it was all his fault.

"I…I couldn't. When I had the Jagan implanted, Shigure made me promise to never tell you I was your brother. That was his only condition, and I had to obey."

The pitter-patter of hiruseiki continued behind him, slowly. One…two…three…

"But Shigure is dead now, Hiei! You know it as well as I! You're stronger than he is now, why didn't you _tell_ me?"

_I don't know…_

"I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you, Yukina."

"Hiei, that's not it!" she cried, and her exclusion of a polite name ending struck home. Hiei clenched his eyes tightly and fisted his hands. "No, not at all! You aren't a disappointment—I'm glad you're my brother, I really am. You're a wonderful person and I'm happy that I know, and I'm happy that he is you. But I don't understand! Why didn't you ever tell me?"

A tear nearly found its way to his eye, but he shook his head and it receded. "I…I was afraid… Afraid of what you would think of me, afraid that you would disown me, hate me, or…something worse, maybe… I didn't know what would happen, and I was afraid…"

He half-turned back around then, looking over his shoulder at her, kneeling on the ground, her forehead resting in one hand. His eyes tearing again, he blinked furiously and started towards her.

"No, Hiei, please," she interrupted, raising her other hand before her. "Please, just… I don't know… Go to Kurama's, or something…"

He was frozen for a long moment, and then he was gone.

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_I wonder, if I cried, there would be hiruseiki…_

_I wonder if they would be golden white, like Yukina's…_

_I wonder if they would be black, like confused despair… Like a dark room you can't see in…_

_I wonder if they would be red, like blood… Like the pain I live my life with, every day…_

_I wonder if they would be real…_

_I wonder if I can cry to find out…if it's possible…_

_Yukina… Imouto… I'm so sorry…_

"Hiei? What are you thinking?"

"I wonder if I can cry hiruseiki…"

Kurama smiled, comfortingly, all the while knowing it wouldn't do anyone any good. But he did it anyway, and no one noticed or cared that it wasn't real.

"I don't know, Hiei." He knew a scientific explanation for either answer, yes or no, but there was no reason to tell them to his friend. _Well, if the gene for crying hiruseiki was passed on to you from Hina, then…_ No, there was no reason.

Contemplative daze looked bad on Hiei, making him look unaware and even depressed.

He probably was.

"Why do you think she hates me?"

He probably was.

"I don't think she hates you. I think she wonders why you never told her, why you lead her on, had her believing you were helping her when really, you were keeping your information secret, though you knew it was what she wanted to hear."

"I tried to help her. She told me to leave."

Kurama sat on the bed beside Hiei. "She was confused. She may still be. It doesn't mean she hates you."

"But she can be both confused and hating…of me…"

Kurama draped his arm over Hiei's shoulders in a quick hug and smiled. "I don't think she hates you. I think she's confused, and maybe a little hurt, but she doesn't hate you."

Hiei drew his legs to his chest and rested his chin on the arch. _How do you know…?_

"Hiei," Kurama continued softly, "Yukina is a wonderful girl, and she's sympathetic. She will forgive you, but only if you give her the time and give her the chance." He hugged his friend again. "You have to do that for her. You have to let her be herself, and let her make her own decision. You have to give her the time to do it."

"You don't understand, kitsune. This isn't just a simple fear of rejection that will pass in a few years. This is my _sister_ I'm confronting. My _twin._ The most perfect girl I've ever met, and then there's me."

Kurama stroked Hiei's hair lightly. "What about you, Hiei? I don't see much to hate, myself."

"Does this not _register_ with you, Kurama? She is _perfect._ I am _Forbidden._ Thrown off a cliff at the first moment my mother laid eyes on me! Do you not _understand?_"

Kurama released Hiei and shifted to face the youkai, a hard look in his eyes. "I think I understand better than you think, Hiei." His tone was biting, and Hiei's gaze iced slightly. "Do _you_ not understand that I go through nearly exactly the same thing with Shiori? That she has built up expectations of perfection and I, who has the chance to give her the perfection, I'm all a lie? Do you know that I've been suffering under that burden for seventeen long years, and now there's no turning back, because I've made the ultimate decision? Is that all beyond your comprehension, Hiei?"

"Do you know how long I was contemplating telling her?" Hiei asked, completely ignoring Kurama's speech. "Two full _years._ Ever since I met her, I've been thinking to disown my promise to Shigure and tell her. I've always wanted to and yet I never have. Every chance I got, I thought of doing it, I thought of just going right down and telling her, but I could never find the words. I could never find the _courage._ And then, finally, just hours ago, I told her. Straight and simple. 'He is me.' And what does she do but tell me to leave!"

"Did you hear _nothing_ of what I just told you, Hiei?" Kurama asked harshly, more than a little angry. "We, you and I, we are so much more similar than you believe, and yet you will not go to me for help? I want to help you, Hiei, I really do, but only if you'll let me!"

"You've been dealing with your problems fine for seventeen years and you've never asked to talk before today!" Hiei retorted, nearly shouting. "This is something new! I've finally mustered the will to tell her and she has scorned me! It's my worst fear come to light, Kurama, do you have _any_ idea what that's like?"

Kurama's gaze was flat and devoid of emotion, the lack of the usual happy glitter in eyes giving his expression a cold edge. "Out. Now."

Hiei paused for a moment, frozen in shock at his friend's sudden change in demeanor, and then he was gone.

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"You know, maybe the world would be better off without me fucking it up."

"Hiei-san?" Yukina opened the temple door and looked out, frowning, at Hiei. "I mean…Oniisan?"

"Hey, Yukina. I mean—Imouto."

"Hiei-oniisan, what do you mean, the world would be better without you—?"

"I mean maybe everyone would be better off if I was just gone," he interrupted her. "Erased from this world, and the next. If no one had to bother with me anymore."

Yukina padded down the steps to stand before him. "Hiei, that's crazy. Lots of people want you around. Kurama, Yuusuke, Kuwabara, me; you're part of the team, and we all want you here."

"Ch." He looked away and frowned at the ground. A tuft of grass went up in flames. "You want me around _because_ I'm part of the team, because you have some use for me. That's the way my life has always been—if you can use me, you keep me around. If you can't, you throw me off a cliff." He blinked back another tear as he told this all to his sister, wondering why he was beginning to cry.

"That's not _true!_" she cried. "You _know_ it's not! You—"

"Then why, Yukina?" he asked her abruptly. "Why did you chase me away when I told you who your brother was? When I told you I was he?"

She, too, blinked back tears, brushing more away. "Because I was so hurt, Hiei. I still am, and so confused. Why didn't you ever tell me?"

He turned, as if to leave. "I told you. I made a promise I couldn't break."

"And I told _you_ that the promise didn't hold after his death!" she insisted firmly, and his shoulders drew back. "Really, Hiei. Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I told you," he repeated.

"And I told _you—_"

He held up a hand to silence her, and she closed her mouth abruptly.

"Don't bother yourself with me, Yukina. It's not worth it."

She reached out as if to grab some part of him, to keep him there, to do something to keep him from leaving again, but she made the mistake of blinking, and then he was gone.

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_Dear Yukina,_

_I wonder, sometimes, Imouto, what light truly feels like. For you see, I have never known light, not in the ways that you do. I have always lived in, kept to, the shadows, darkness where light cannot tread._

_You're wondering why I'm doing this, aren't you? Why I've written this here. On rice paper with black ink. Left it on your doorstep, on the porch of the shrine. If you aren't, you shouldn't be. I wish you wouldn't._

_My life has no purpose, you see. That's why I have written this. Because the reason, the only reason, that anyone has kept me around this long, the only reason is that they can use me. They have some desire to keep me around because they can exploit my abilities for their own benefit. I am an aid and an ally to them, so they keep me. But, Imouto, if you were meeting me for the first time, would you want to be my friend? I wouldn't._

_I used to enjoy life, because I used to get a thrill, an unbeatable rush from all the killing, the massacre, the murder I undertook. But even that no longer delights me, no longer gives me that sky-high charge. Life no longer holds an electricity for me, and there is no purpose in my waiting around to see how this movie will end._

_How long before I'm gone? I don't know, Imouto._

_I suppose…_

_It depends when you find me._

_Because you will search, won't you?_

_I know you, Imouto, and I know you will search._

_And I may only wish you the best of luck in finding me someday._

_I love you, Yukina. Always._

_--Hiei_

He left it on her porch, and even smiled at his memories of her before he was gone.

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The pale light of a red moon washed over the mountain where they stood.

"Hiei, DON'T!"

"Why not?"

"You have so much to live for, Hiei! Don't do something like this! Don't be so stupid!"

"Don't fool yourself; I have nothing left to live for."

"You're lying, Hiei! Please, please don't do this! Think of all the people you're leaving behind!"

"Would you like to come with me?"

"Hiei, please…don't go…not now…"

"Now is the only time."

"No, Hiei, don't leave me… Don't leave us all… Please! Please, reconsider this! Don't leave!"

"I'll see you in a few centuries."

Red flooded the mountainside and everything went black.

And then he was gone.


End file.
